Sometimes.

2004-01-11T18:54:28Z

I find it difficult, at times, to see beyond what I wish to. I find that the more I turn my eyes away from the thoughts that plague me so, the more I ignore what I should be giving attention to. The thoughts that plague me are, as I have chosen to ignore, a large part of the reason I have become the way I am. I never let myself let go of my dearest Dracori, and that is why I live each day more dead than the one that come before it. I thought that Damien would help me heal...and perhaps forget. But in the back of my mind, I knew that I was trying to substitute him for Dracori. Which was not fair of me. But I somehow feel as though it will not matter to Damien. I don't think he loves me, I think he is trying to sustain me however he can. Is that love? Not for Damien, I don't think so.

At the Pheonix party I reluctantly attended...after our squabble...I noticed something I don't think I wanted to. Damien's heart rests in someone else's hands. Not mine. I saw them, outside past the chairs, talking. I watched curiously, and they nearly kissed. I felt more interested than betrayed. But he can't betray me as much as I have betrayed him, I fear. But then, even though I knew the other wanted it badly, he pulled away and left my dear Damien alone. I wanted to go to him, but he couldn't know I saw. So I didn't let him. The other returned after a few moments and embraced Damien. I smiled and left my watch then, not needing to see more.

Should I give my dear Damien over to Lyle? I know that Lyle will protect his heart far better than I can manage. But there's something about Lyle that I can't place. A cloud of pain and guilt within him that seems to swell whenever Damien is near. I feel his love, but I also feel this pain...

What are you hiding, Lyle?

Days of Old.

2003-12-12T23:52:29Z

I was told that holding memories close in my heart was to only way to keep them alive. But I know it isn't true. Many years ago I witnessed the death of my beloved. I had promised him I would protect him, but it was a promise that became impossible for me to keep. He got himself involved in something the prophet told him "had" to happen. I don't care if she had never been wrong before, my beloved did not "have" to die. But he put is faith in what she said, and he put his life on the line to make the phrophecy a reality. It was shameful for someone with as high a ranking as myself to love a lower ranked being such as my beloved, but I didn't care. I was wary of my love for him, because of a prophecy the same prophet uttered to me. She told me that my temptation would lead me into a world of pain. I didn't know what she meant until I held my dying beloved in my arms as he became a shadow. These scars on my arms represent that I couldn't let go of him, not then, and not now. I cover the marks to hide my shame, but the secret of our love remains in my heart.

What was this so-called prophecy that my beloved put his life on the line for, you wonder? He believed that, if he and a pheonix girl were to produce a child, it would be the one foretold by the first prophet as "The Dark One." I never believed in the nonesense, but my beloved did. Any high ranking dragon, as I am, or pheonix would turn the prophecy out of their mind. There was so much shame in a relationship of the sort. But the prophet told my beloved that he was destined, and he believed it...as did that Pheonix girl. It's her fault that my beloved is dead.

I didn't know about the two of them until one day, when I saw them. It had been going on for quite some time, for the two already had their children. Yes, they'd had twins, a boy and a girl. I knew, right away, that the two toddlers belonged to my beloved and the pheonix girl because of their likenesses. Both looked so much like my beloved, except they lacked his raven black hair. Instead, they had the pheonix girl's silvery white hair. I wasn't angry at him, for I knew he didn't love the girl, but...I was pained that he put himself in danger. The pheonix girl's mate was the pheonix leader... I warned them both to be careful, and to not get caught, but they did.

The Pheonix king killed my beloved, and I held him as the light faded from his eyes. And then, with the deepest pain I could have held inside my heart, I killed the pheonix girl. It was the first time that warm blood spilled over my hands because of my own doing, but it wouldn't be the last.

Almost fourteen years after that day, I spilled blood again. I killed an old woman and a little girl. I had heard that there was someone of great power in that house, so I killed them both. Not caring which it was. But as I left, I saw a young boy...sixteen years of age, perhaps. He smelled the blood in the air and froze before the house. Yes, I remember, the little girl had cried out something when I wounded her. Perhaps she had cried out for him. The boy turned to me, his white hair shining slightly in the moonlight and an icy blue eye and glimmering gold one showing from beneath his cap. I knew he couldn't see my face because of my hooded cloak, so I kept walking.

And now, almost a year after that, I've learned. The boy whose mother I killed, whose adoptive mother and sister I killed, was the son of my beloved. Like the prophecy said,

"The moon and sun are partners now,
representing unity once lost.
When black feathers at last rain down,
discovery will come at a great cost."

I've found the dark one, but now I have to make him see...

[Disclaimer: This journal is from the view of a Dragon/human named Daren. He is, of course, a fictional character and is copyright to the comic "The Black Feathers." And yes, Daren is a gay Dragon. (The comic has Shounen-Ai in it, many apologies to those that dissaprove of that stuff... I rather like it *shrugs*)In this journal, which is operated by the comic artist, things in regards to the comic will be posted. Though the comic isn't that far along yet, I hope some people are interested enough to check up here now and then.]

darkest_wings

Sometimes.

Days of Old.